DALLAS, TX – With his state still dealing with the aftereffects of the horrific mass shooting in Uvalde, Governor Abbott stated today that not only do they need more security guards at every school but that they need to be armed with bazookas.
“I’ve been saying for years that we need more security guards with guns but I was wrong. We need even more security guards with not only guns but bazookas too. That way, the bazookas will just blow up any potential mass shooters, even if they are wearing body armor,” said Abbott.
Abbott laughed in reporters’ faces when they asked why he can’t just support common-sense gun law legislation or ban body armor. When asked what kind of training school security guards would get on bazooka use so they don’t accidentally kill others with them, Abbott stated that their standard six weeks of police training should cover it, and if anyone else were to die, it would be collateral damage.