Third Party Candidates Stunned They Lost the U.S. Election

WASHINGTON – With the official vote counts being scored and former Vice President Joe Biden declared as the winner of the 2020 presidential election, third party candidates are reportedly stunned they lost the election.

“I can’t believe I didn’t win. I know Gary Johnson only got five percent of the vote in 2016, but I thought I could manage to get around sixty percent of the vote. So far it looks like I’m only getting one percent of the vote, which sucks,” said Libertarian Party candidate Jo Jorgensen. 

“I know I only got a few thousand votes but this really shocked me. I thought for sure I’d be declared the winner since I was in the Mighty Ducks movies. Oh well, I’ll try again in 2024,” said Independent Party candidate Brock Pierce.

“Everybody sucks, and this is fucking bullshit. If I have to keep running until I win, I promise I will. I’m the Green Party candidate and no one seems to care, everyone just votes for the libertarian bitch,” said Green Party candidate Howie Hawkins.