BOSTON, MA – A new study coming out of Harvard University has shown that 94% of men who wear cargo shorts or basketball shorts that are way too big and below their knees have given up on life.
The study shows that these men typically have terrible hygiene, are either single or divorced, have an awful diet, and just don’t care about their life anymore.
“I dispute this study 100% because I definitely haven’t given up on life at all. I choose to only shower twice a week because I don’t sweat a lot and I choose to eat Arby’s roast beef sandwiches five times a week because I enjoy them, not because I’ve given up on life,” said local cargo shorts enthusiast and general slob Tim Ploth.
The study also shows that wearers of these shorts are much more likely to not return their carts to the cart corral, to be big Mountain Dew drinkers, to torture and kill animals before moving on to humans, and to put butter on literally everything they eat.