New Study Shows That 98.7% of Americans Don’t Know the Origins of Why They Gather Together on the Last Thursday in November to Eat Fucking Turkey
CAMBRIDGE, MA – A new study from Harvard University shows that 98.7% of Americans do not know the origins as to why they gather every year on the last Thursday in November to eat fucking turkey.
“It’s to give thanks to God for everything we have and for the health of our family,” said local sheep Barb Hound who lost 17 members of her family to COVID-19 this year. Clearly, her god doesn’t give two flying fucks about her.
“It’s to honor the pilgrims who were super nice to the Indians and fed them turkey when they came over from England,” said local high school dropout Kevin Dunce.
“It’s to eat turkey, get drunk, and watch football to honor this incredible country, the best country in the world,” said unhealthy white nationalist Ronnie Ruckus.
Clearly, all of these ridiculous options are not in fact the origins of Thanksgiving. So what are the origins of Thanksgiving you ask? The correct answer is who gives a fuck, it’s the dumbest holiday of the year.
