New Study Shows Men With Goatees are 87 Times More Likely to Murder Your Entire Family

BOSTON, MA – A new study from Boston University shows that men with goatees are 87 times more likely to murder your entire family than men without goatees.

The average height of men with goatees is reportedly 5’7”, while 94 percent of them drive pickup trucks. 92 percent of men with goatees have been divorced at least once, and 52 percent of them have sexual intercourse with cows.

The conductors of the study warn that if you see a man at any time with a goatee, in a pickup truck, with a tribal or cross tattoo, and listening to Florida Georgia Line, to immediately call your local authorities, as that man is almost definitely a serial killer.