ROCHESTER, NY – A man rightfully slashed slow-walking and oblivious people at a local grocery store this past afternoon.
Ted Albatross, 34, was shopping in the produce section of a Wegmans when he was trapped on multiple sides by people having conversations, people rudely blocking any way in or out with their shopping carts, and slow-walking people.
Witnesses claim Albatross removed a roll of duct tape and a machete from the inside of his jacket and attached it to the end of his shopping cart. What’s most surprising is none of the people around him noticed him doing this.
“I’m just sick of people walking as slow as they do in the grocery stores, walk a little faster please,” said Albatross, adding how he deems his act as being completely reasonable.
Witnesses claim Albatross yelled a blood-curdling scream and ran with the shopping cart and slashed the hamstrings of countless people around him. Seven people in total were taken to the hospital with slashed hamstrings, though they are all expected to make a full recovery.
“Surprisingly enough, no one really noticed what I did. Everyone is in their own little world, I just wanted to get my almond milk faster than usual.”