LANSING, MI – It’s a tradition that John Fred has his entire extended family over every year for Thanksgiving. Despite recommendations by local and state officials, and the CDC, not to gather with anyone outside of your household due to the spread of COVID-19 right now, Fred still plans on having everyone over so he could give his racist Trump-supporting uncle COVID-19.
“Uncle Ronnie is such an asshole. We only see him on holidays and he always lectures us on how great Trump is and tells us his extremely racist ideas that I can’t even repeat. He’s morbidly corpulent, old, and in bad health so odds are he’ll die after I give him covid,” said Fred.
Fred has been reportedly licking doorknobs at the local COVID-19 testing facility and having COVID-19 positive people spit in his mouth to ensure he gets it. When we told him that he’ll probably infect his entire family, not just Uncle Ronnie, he said that the risk is worth it to try and kill him off.
Fred finished by saying that his backup plan if Uncle Ronnie doesn’t die, is to poison his ham on Christmas with rat poison.