‘I Don’t Do Relationships’ Says Man Who No One Would Want to Date Anyways

PORTLAND, OR – A local Portland man who claims to not do relationships, as a way to remain single, is confirmed to be someone who no one would want to date anyway.

“I’m here to remain single and party. There’s no point in putting anything official over what I’m doing,” said the man, Jonathan Tots while wearing sunglasses indoors at a bowling alley at nighttime.

“Everybody hates that fucker. He has no friends, but always comes here during the late hours when people are bowling and acts like mister cool guy. I don’t get it,” said bowling alley worker Jake Sets.