EPA Announces Plan to Eradicate Earth of all Whales to Help Lower Ocean Levels by Having Less Weight in the Ocean

WASHINGTON – The Environmental Protection Agency announced today the formation of a new whaling task force to help combat climate change. 

A whaling fleet consisting of 50 ships will undergo construction immediately and will be ready for a spring 2021 launch. 

The federal funding for the construction of this fleet is being diverted from the Great Lakes Cleanup Initiative, where funding has now been cut to zero. The goal of this fleet is to slaughter every whale on the planet.

“This administration is constantly criticized for not doing anything about climate change. Well, now we finally are and it’s simple science,”  said the head of the EPA Andrew Wheeler.

“When you put a bunch of ice cubes in a glass, the water level goes up. You have hundreds of thousands of these asshole whales swimming around, and that’s why the ocean level keeps rising. Once we kill them all, the ocean levels will go down and stabilize.”

Upon launch, Wheeler claims the fleet will first go after a great white whale that he spotted off the coast of his vacation home in Nantucket.