ALBANY, NY – As we head into Easter Sunday, the promise of spring and even better weather ahead is in the air with the sun shining down and the birds chirping, but that isn’t the only thing you can count on this time of year.
Thousands of shitty people will roll out of bed early on Sunday, get dressed up, and make their biannual trip to church for no apparent reason at all. These same shitty people go to Church every Christmas morning as well despite never going to Church any other time of the year and being extremely terrible human beings.
“This biannual Church migration is equivalent to the Monarch butterfly migrating to Mexico or the humpback whale migrating over 5000 miles. It is extremely fascinating,” said scientist Maximillian Oatmeal.
“Over time, we may be able to discover the reason these humans make this biannual migration but as of right now, we have no idea why they do. They are predominantly all giant pieces of human scum garbage shit that aren’t religious at all and would be going to hell if it existed so it just makes no sense as to why they do it, but we will continue our research.”