Depression Now Measured On How Often Someone Eats Microwavable Meals

NEW YORK CITY – A new report from Columbia University has found that depression can now be measured by how often someone eats microwavable meals.

A microwavable meal is a frozen prepared meal, usually packaged in a disposable serving tray, that only needs to be heated before serving. Basically, they’re fucking gross.

“If someone chooses to eat microwavable meals all the time, that means they’re depressed as hell. Whether they like to admit it or not, microwave meals are the new metric,” said lead scientist Neil John.