BOSTON, MA – A new study coming out Boston University has confirmed that men who enjoy the Joe Rogan Experience are dumber than any living being, including bacteria. “It’s well-known that people who enjoy Joe Rogan’s dumb podcast aren’t very intelligent, but this study has confirmed it. We’ve interviewed countless Joe Rogan fanatics, only to […]Read More

WASHINGTON – With the new year upon the globe, many Americans have come to terms that life still sucks despite there being a pointless new year people to arbitrarily celebrate like they always do. The report comes when Scientist John Koo, 31, determined that life isn’t expected to go on much longer due to the […]Read More

AMERICA – As people start to mentally recover from seeing family members they hate on Christmas, Americans quickly turn to one of the most outlandish and worthless fucking holidays of the year, New Years. Why the fuck do people have to throw giant parties to celebrate it being a new year? Who the fuck cares. […]Read More

NEW YORK CITY – Time Magazine announced that human garbage can Elon Musk is their 2021 person of the year, also announcing that they will be even bolder for 2022, choosing a dumpster as person of the year next year. “Elon has done so much this year that he deserves person of the year. From […]Read More

UNITED STATES – The U.S. is expected to suck even more in 2022, a surprise that should come to no one as deregulation, neoliberalism, and constant hard-right conservatism have caused the country to be in ongoing late-stage capitalism. Workers are suffering, wealth inequality is growing, climate change is getting worse, and with no hope in […]Read More

CAMBRIDGE, MA – A new study out of Harvard University has found that people who don’t like their pasta cooked Al dente are sociopaths. “What we have found is that 91 percent of people who don’t like their pasta cooked Al dente love torturing and murdering living creatures, whether it be people or their pets […]Read More

CINCINNATI, OH – Local man Harry Muff was excited to host his entire family for his first Thanksgiving dinner as a host, purchasing the turkey weeks ahead of time to prepare.   “I put the turkey in my backyard for the weeks before thanksgiving and then brought it in when it was time to cook […]Read More

USA – With it being a time to celebrate Thanksgiving for many Americans, the sad carrot would like to remind you that despite the holiday and possible jovial experience you may have today, remember that life still sucks. Also understand, Thanksgiving food is extremely overrated and only has the reputation it has due to the […]Read More

COLUMBUS, OH – Columbus Zoo employee Shelly Corkel was arrested today after it was discovered that she murdered and ate baby gorilla, Jonus, during her shift. “My life has been pretty boring so I decided I wanted to make a name for myself and do something unique. I love veal so I thought not many […]Read More