WASHINGTON – Americans across the nation are preparing to celebrate the dumbest holiday of the year, the Fourth of July. “I can’t wait to get together and celebrate the fourth. I’m not sure why this day is important to me, but I love getting fucked up with my family,” said American Johnny Jesse. “Though I […]Read More
LOS ANGELES – Local man Connor Wagner is very disappointed today after the pink fireworks he launched yesterday at him and his wife’s gender reveal party didn’t cause a massive forest fire. “I’m pretty disappointed. I launched those fireworks right over the forest behind my house and nothing happened. I was hoping for at least […]Read More
WASHINGTON – A new law in the United States will require all companies to declare Buy it You Dumbass in any advertisements they have promoting a product. “We made this decision so people understand what they’re getting into. We love spending money as Americans and this slogan will only help,” said U.S. President Joe Biden. […]Read More
EARTH – Weeks after a nuclear holocaust between Russia and the United States has wiped out 99 percent of humanity and made the vast majority of the surface of the Earth uninhabitable, there remains one place that is consistently still standing everywhere: Bath & Body Works Stores. Even in malls where the entire mall was […]Read More
WASHINGTON – With more Americans feeling hopeless about the future, the end of times is looking pretty decent right now, with most Americans in agreement. “There is nothing better than the great empire of the United States finally failing. Basically, the end of times is looking pretty decent right and that sounds great,” said Laura […]Read More
HOUSTON, TX – Shouting over one another while fully aroused due to the sheer volume of guns around them, potential mass shooters filled the National Rifle Association’s annual meeting. “There is nothing better than getting together with a bunch of potential killers. We love nothing but guns and killing. Sure, none of us are killers […]Read More
NEW YORK CITY – A new study from Columbia University has confirmed that every parent across the globe has favorites amongst their respective children, no matter how much they deny it. “It’s safe to say that every parent loves one of their kids more over the others. Though it’s more obvious with some, it’s definitely […]Read More
NEW YORK CITY – A new study from Columbia University confirmed that the secret to never having COVID-19 is to only play Destiny 2 in a house alone 24 hours a day. “We recently looked at local man Chronic Tads, a 31-year-old male, who hasn’t gotten Covid because he never leaves his house since he […]Read More
JACKSON, MS – Mississippi announced a new law that’ll force all colleges in the state to permanently close. “This new law is very important since too many young people waste their time going to college to get indoctrinated with stuff instead of going to church and starting families. Too many college-educated people vote against Republicans […]Read More
USA – A new study has confirmed that anyone who enjoys eating Peeps, a marshmallow candy that is in the shape of chicks, bunnies, and other animals, is seriously fucked up in the head. “We spent nearly three years on this study and couldn’t come to any other conclusion other than that peeps are fucking […]Read More
