PORTLAND, OR – Local high schooler Shawn Mends is contemplating going to school and obtaining crippling debt as a result or instead work a soul-crushing job that’ll ruin his entire morale. The report comes as Mends, a senior at Portland High School, isn’t sure what to do after graduating, claiming life sucks no matter what […]Read More

WASHINGTON – Local skeptic Bill Nelson, 31, reportedly went down the rabbit hole of discovering the U.S. is utter shit, comparing the average U.S. citizen’s livelihood and quality of life to citizens of other nations. “I always thought this country was pretty lit but turns out if you just look up some stuff from history, […]Read More

ALBANY, NY – Husband and wife Lonnie and Connie Crotch feel like they have a strong relationship but are constantly fighting over the temperature in their house. After coming home to a sweltering 80-degree house with the heat blasting, Lonnie officially challenged his wife to a duel, with the winner being able to control the […]Read More

RICHMOND, VA – Local furby collector Gerry Sphincter is refusing to get the COVID-19 vaccine despite the deadly potential alternative, claiming we don’t know what’s in the vaccine. “It’s just such a risk ya know. I don’t wanna put anything in my body that could potentially do any harm. We just don’t know what’s in […]Read More

HAMBURG, NY – Local man Nick Todd, 34, is reportedly confused why he feels shitty all the time. The news comes after Todd went out for the 15th straight night, drinking nothing but rum and coke. “I don’t get it. I feel so tired and like shit all the time. I just go out with […]Read More

SANTA FE, NM – Local coworkers Phil, Bobby, and Dan are sick and tired of hearing about their other coworker Ronald’s boring ass weekends and nights all the time, highlighting how they don’t give a fuck. “It’s just torture. We try to ignore him when he comes in but then he comes over and basically […]Read More

PORTLAND, OR – Local husband Tony Hoorkt was sound asleep the other night when his wife woke him up after she heard sounds coming from the crawl space.   “There was a lot of scurrying around up there and a lot of clucking noises so I thought it was just a bird or a squirrel […]Read More

LOS ANGELES – A local vape cloud session held between friends turned out to be a literal fire, and not an actual smoke cloud from vaping. “We were just sitting around vaping thinking the smoke cloud around us was from our vapes, but we were wrong. Turns out it was a forest fire,” said local […]Read More

PROVO, UT – Local man Jerry Cumstalk is a staunch supporter of the Police, so much that he has a Blue Lives Matter flag flying on his house. However, Cumstalk is also flying a Don’t Tread On Me flag, a giant contradiction to his other flag, though Cumstalk doesn’t see it that way. “This country […]Read More