LOS ANGELES – Jon Bell, 43, is confirmed to be the most annoying man on Earth since he watches Super Bowl commercials before the Super Bowl airs, a point that is utterly pointless since commercials are moronic to enjoy. “I love nothing more than to sit back and watch Super Bowl commercials before they air. […]Read More
ST. PAUL, MN – Local man Phil Hornicork reportedly can’t get the song Cat Scratch Fever by Ted Nugent out of his head after he was scratched by his friend’s cat. “It’s been the worst week of my life. I can’t concentrate or get anything done. It’s such a horrible song that’s played by a […]Read More
LOS ANGELES – A local concert featuring five local bands went terribly wrong this past Thursday evening, after the band “Doo Doo Day” decided to play for three hours straight, despite only having one song. “We really wanted to show these fuckers that we mean business. Though we only have one song, I think they […]Read More
DETROIT, MI – Local man and huge Detroit Lions fan Mitch Gordo, is very excited about his team, the Detroit Lions, even though the Lions are winless this year at 0-10-1. “I know we are bad but I’m excited because we are tanking on purpose to get some really high draft picks. Then we’ll be […]Read More
BUFFALO, NY – Local Buffalo man Chris Step, 28, is reportedly excited to go to the movie theatre to watch the latest Marvel film, Eternals, so he can watch 30 minutes of trailers he’s already seen. Reporters were shocked when Step wouldn’t stop raving about the trailers before the film began rather than the film […]Read More
LOS ANGELES – Actor Jake Gyllenhaal has garnished a lot of news recently after his ex Taylor Swift re-released her 2012 album Red, an album filled with subject matter related to their relationship, and its new 10-minute version of All Too Well. In response to the album and subsequent hate from Swifties, Gyllenhaal has released […]Read More
LOS ANGELES – Business Magnate Elon Musk made headlines after his vast fortune increased $37 billion on Monday after Tesla’s stock price surged nearly 13 percent. Musk told reporters he’s fortunate to work hard enough every day to earn his worth, an amount of money no one will come close to seeing in their lifetime. […]Read More
MENLO PARK, CA – Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced this week that Facebook will be changing its company name to Meta. “We are very excited for this next step in our company. I’d like to reassure everyone though that we will not only continue to be a shitty company, we plan on expanding our shittyness […]Read More
South Pasadena, CA – A new Halloween ride deemed Get Wrecked You Fools is allowing thrill-seekers the chance to be chased and murdered by a real-life Michael Myers. The ride is expected to attract thousands of die-hard Halloween and Michael Myers who have dreamt about being murdered by the iconic slasher villain. “I’m really excited […]Read More
BUFFALO, NY – Buffalo Bills fan Ron Stanley, 38, is reportedly contemplating the meaning of life after the Buffalo Bills lost 34 – 31 on Monday Night Football. The game came to an intense climax after the Bills went for it on fourth down inside the 5-yard line. Bills Quarterback Josh Allen took the snap […]Read More
