BUFFALO, NY – With the regular season starting in less than a week, the Buffalo Sabres made an off-the-wall move today signing Otis, the four-time winner of the fattest bear award, to play goaltender. “Our goaltending just sucks and no one wants to sign with us so I thought why not do something unique and […]Read More

WASHINGTON – After Facebook whistleblower Frances Haugen told the Senate that Congress should intervene to solve the crisis created by her former employer’s products, Mark Zuckerberg has been considering nuking the entire planet to save Facebook’s reputation. The report comes after Haugen broke the news that Facebook consistently puts its own profits over users’ health […]Read More

CLEVELAND, OH – Local man Gill Turnip is excited for the NFL season to be back underway and to go to every game, especially after he couldn’t go to any last year due to the COVID-19 pandemic.  Turnip claims spending thousands on season tickets is a no-brainer and loves getting extremely wasted at the games, […]Read More

ARLINGTON, TX – Yogi Bear was shot 27 times and killed at point blank range by an assault rifle after trying to steal a picnic basket from local camper Bobby Billy Macantrash at Ronny Tahoe’s Community Park. “That fucker came sneaking out of the woods thinking he was gonna snag my picnic basket of beef […]Read More

LOS ANGELES – 38-year-old rapper Nicki Minaj recently declared she didn’t attend the Met Gala over its vaccine requirement, stating that she’s waiting to get the vaccine until she “had done enough research.” More recently, Minaj alleged her cousin in Trinidad refuses to get the vaccine because of his friend who allegedly got swollen testicles […]Read More

BUFFALO, NY – Local Bills Mafia member and divorced father of 4, Ronnie Porkchop, was pumped for his hometown Buffalo Bills opening game but was shocked after they lost to the Pittsburgh Steelers. Porkchop, who never played or coached football for a day in his life, claims that the Bills coaching staff should be fired […]Read More

NEW YORK – Local Jets fan Ronnie Rag was deeply moved by the fighter pilot display at the Carolina Panthers home opener, causing the man to wonder if the possibility of having universal healthcare is even worth the tax dollars since “it’d cut into the really cool jet displays before football games,” “I’m not sure […]Read More

LOS ANGELES – Local Marvel fan Terry Gil, 27, is reportedly shocked the latest Marvel film, Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings, featured some other Marvel characters in a post-credit scene. “I can’t believe Marvel had yet another post-credit scene that had some characters from other films in it! How crazy is that? […]Read More

NEW YORK CITY – Elmo, the red muppet made famous from the long-running television show Sesame Street, is suing PBS and HBO for over 100 million dollars in damages for 40 years of unwanted assault and abuse.   “It’s been really hard for me to come forward but I feel the time is right. I […]Read More