Americans Prepare to Celebrate Dumbest Holiday of Year

WASHINGTON – Americans across the nation are preparing to celebrate the dumbest holiday of the year, the Fourth of July.

“I can’t wait to get together and celebrate the fourth. I’m not sure why this day is important to me, but I love getting fucked up with my family,” said American Johnny Jesse.

“Though I hate my family, the fourth brings us together so we can drink, hang out, and forget about everything else. I’m not really sure why.”