WASHINGTON – Senator Joe Manchin of West Virginia announced today that he’ll never vote yes on any Senate proposal ever again as whatever is proposed will always be too conservative or too progressive for him to vote yes on. “I represent the good people of West Virginia and what those people need most is nothing […]Read More
WASHINGTON – With a never-ending debate over the subject of a $15 minimum wage, many House Democrats and House Republicans have created a bi-partisan effort that’ll include the current minimum wage of $7.25 plus a few Chuck E. Cheese tokens. “Rather than raise the minimum wage to a liveable wage, I figured I’d give in […]Read More
AUSTIN, TX – Senator Ted Cruz of Texas announced today that his two daughters, aged 10 and 12, are grounded for the rest of the year for forcing him to go on vacation to Mexico with them during Texas’ humanitarian crisis. “I told my daughters that I can’t go, that I had to help […]Read More
PALO ALTO, CA – Facebook founder and scumbag Mark Zuckerberg was reportedly standing on a sidewalk unconscious, only for it to be discovered that it was actually a steaming pile of shit on the sidewalk. “Yeah, I took a glance over and thought it was Zuckerberg laying unconscious, but really, it was just a big […]Read More
ALLENTOWN, PA – Local woman, Carol Barell is very excited to give up candy for Lent this year, even though she tries and fails at giving it up as her New Year’s Resolution every year. “I’m so excited to tell everyone how much of a good person I am that I’m giving up candy for […]Read More
HOUSTON, TX – With the United States in the midst of a massive cold front and widespread snow and ice storms causing millions without power or running water, one local Houston man claims these events prove that global warming (or climate change as it should be referred to) doesn’t exist. “Yeah I mean the Democrats […]Read More
AUGUSTA, ME – After sitting inside of a Hannaford for far too long, a local grocery store lobster is absolutely pissed no one has picked him to be eaten yet. “I’ve been sitting inside this fucking tank thing waiting to get eaten and none of these fuckers will pick me, I don’t get it. Am […]Read More
AUSTIN, TX – Senator Ted Cruz is receiving scathing criticism for leaving his home state of Texas during the massive cold-weather crisis that the state is experiencing. Millions are without power, water, and food and at least 56 people have died thus far but Senator Cruz reportedly doesn’t see what the big deal is for […]Read More
PALM BEACH, FL – Millions of people across the country are rejoicing in the news that conservative piece of actual human refuge, Rush Limbaugh, has finally fucking died of lung cancer. A victory parade across America is reportedly being planned for later this summer. Millions of people are expected to attend. “I just can’t […]Read More
EARTH – As life continues to drag-on and be more of a bore than the day before, the possibility of life being a simulation continues to be thought of as the best case scenario for humanity by many experts in the field. Simulation theory is based on the notion that humanity is living in an […]Read More
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