TALLAHASSEE, FL – Governor Ronnie Desantis of Florida announced that he will become a serial killer of Democratic voters in Florida for the rest of the year leading up to the election in November, where he is running for re-election. “Statewide elections in Florida are always very close so I figure if I could knock […]Read More
CHICAGO, IL – Local man Tony Guac has discovered after recently getting a dishwasher installed in his house, that he has dozens of extra hours of free time every week since he doesn’t have to wash the dishes anymore. “This dishwasher has changed my life. I used to spend multiple hours per day washing and […]Read More
BUFFALO, NY – The city of Buffalo is expecting all of its residents to obey alternate parking, despite never plowing the roads and having no money in City Services. “We love our proud Buffalonians, which is why we’re making them move their cars across the street even though there is three feet of snow in […]Read More
LAS VEGAS, NV – Breaking news today as for the first time in United States history, a police officer has called out another police officer for breaking the law. Just kidding!! A little early April Fool’s joke from the reporters at Sad Carrot News, since we all know that would never happen. For those who […]Read More
LOS ANGELES – Jon Bell, 43, is confirmed to be the most annoying man on Earth since he watches Super Bowl commercials before the Super Bowl airs, a point that is utterly pointless since commercials are moronic to enjoy. “I love nothing more than to sit back and watch Super Bowl commercials before they air. […]Read More
SAN JOSE, CA – Local man and self-proclaimed coffee buff Lonnie Jachoff loves coffee and tells anyone who will listen even though he puts more chemical-filled creams and fake sugars into his coffee than coffee itself. “Coffee is just such a big part of my life. I’m like the biggest coffee buff I know. I […]Read More
DALLAS, TX – Local Texas man John Elvis, 39, is defending the United States’ military budget, claiming the budget is worth it so the nation can bomb countries instead of guaranteeing every citizen free healthcare, education, and better roads. “Why would I want this country to be better for every citizen when I can cheer […]Read More
SAN DIEGO, CA – The San Diego Zoo did nothing to stop a tiger from murdering and partially eating a man who jumped over the barrier and into the tiger exhibit illegally. “Too often you see this happen in the news and you hear about the poor innocent animal being shot and killed to save […]Read More
AUSTIN, TX – Local Austin man Nic Style, 29, is reportedly shocked that the Digiorno Frozen Pizza he made for dinner at 10 PM wasn’t utterly disgusting, claiming it to be not half bad. “Normally you’d think a frozen pizza of this caliber would be disgusting but I was wrong. It ended up not […]Read More
AKRON, OH – Local peanut butter lover Tony Chinstrap has reportedly disowned his 3-year-old son Tommy, kicking him out of the house after discovering he has a peanut allergy. “It basically came down to a choice between the greatest food in the entire world and my son. It’s obviously a no brainer. I can make […]Read More
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